Week Roundup: de Gea in Doughnut Scandal, Doughnut Bramble in Real Scandal

Little roundup of what was a very busy week in el futbol:

David de Gea (if you believe any of this tabloid tosh) was apprehended for stealing a doughnut from a Tesco somewhere in Greater Manchester. He hid the £1.19 snack in his stomach but was caught on CCTV. He’s been banned from the store for 3 months. Perhaps he just got peckish whilst searching for ways to make the ball stick to his mitts after his uncomfortable game at the Britannia Stadium last weekend.

Titus Bramble, the man with a first touch like a 12 sided die, has got himself caught up in a slightly less serious incident that has seen him arrested by the police for allegations of sexual assault and possession of a unnamed A-Class drug. The more astute of you may remember Titus was picked up under a rape charge with his brother this time last year, but released without charge (his brother went down). Whether this is a seasonal thing with any truth in it I have no idea, but I’m not surprised he turned to drugs after that performance against Norwich on Monday.

'Hey! Come back here... Ball!'

West Ham have managed to fill the mistake-prone boots of the injured Robert Green with the equally jellified reactions of Arsenal’s Manuel Almunia on emergency loan. Hammer’s fans need not put their ‘my gran could have saved that’-esque phrases away.

Edin Dzeko has apologised for his whingey behavior midweek, unlike…

Carlos Tevez who has decided he doesn’t need to apologise to Mancini after being a “disgrace to football” (Graeme Souness) citing ‘confusion on the bench’, and an incorrect mental state as apparently sane excuses. As he is presumably suspended forever and (unless his magical plan to amend everything without any remorse works) City will be looking for a club to take him on loan until January. A tough ask you might think, but there’s always one club who are willing to gamble their title chances on a “bad apple” (Graeme Souness) player…

Carlos and his supporters

Limavady United are that club. They can’t pay any of his wages, but will keep him fit and won’t cup-tie him in the Champions League. Limavady, who currently sit 9th in the IFA Championship 1, should be rewarded for this bold move, and without disrespect to the two times winners, who wouldn’t want to see Carlos belittled by this move?

Adidas have updated the current adiZero F50 boot to include a miCoach microchip inside allowing users to track their performance on a range of stats. More impressively, users can supposedly then upload these figures to an online database where they can flatter themselves with comparison to the likes of Messi and Bale.

Kettering Town have transfer listed a teams worth of players after a midweek 5-3 defeat to Hayes & Yeading. Apart from the loss to close contenders, the 11 man sale was partially caused by two Kettering players coming to blows over penalty taking duties – resulting in two red cards. Jean-Paul Marna and Moses Ashikod are the players being taught the kind of discipline the Premier League lacks

Junior Cesar was the perpetrator of a heinous act of unsporting behavior last weekend as Flamengo conceded a penalty to America Mineiro. Everyone just acts like it’s the done thing as well.

Last of all, yesterday was the 30th anniversary of Bill Shankly’s death. Shanks’ ability to craft a quote was nearly as great as his ability to craft a team. Here’s a few zingers from the footballing genius:

“Chairman Mao has never seen a greater show of red strength.”

“This city has two great teams – Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.”

“I was the best manager in Britain because I was never devious or cheated anyone. I’d break my wife’s legs if I played against her, but I’d never cheat her.”

On playing for Scotland: “It’s fantastic. You look down at your dark blue shirt, and the wee lion looks up at you and says ‘Get out after those English bastards!'”

“When I’ve got nothing better to do, I look down the league table to see how Everton are getting along.”

Legend of the people

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One thought on “Week Roundup: de Gea in Doughnut Scandal, Doughnut Bramble in Real Scandal

  1. […] get much better for David ‘are the doughnuts free?’ de Gea. For me Anders Lindegaard was the better in the Champs League, and I’d be […]

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