The Five Footballing Halloween Horrors #5: Hair

Parts #4 here and #3 here and #2 here and #1 here

Like how I put Halloween in there? That’s called being topical. Anywho, kicking off  the ‘Footballing Horror’ is hair. Not a hugely integral part of the game, but in some cases, one of the scariest.

As any good war photographer will tell you, a picture is worth a thousand words when it comes to horrifying scenes, so lets take a look at some of the more follically challenged players to have haunted the game. Those who get anxious around obscene ‘do’s may want to skip this one.

Lets begin in the olden days…

Bobby Charlton’s open-and-close comb-over. Like someone slapping a fish over his head for 90 minutes.

'Slapslapslap'- Charlton busting it up the field

John Dempsey’s tsunami comb-over. Before gel and dye the only way to really keep the women away was a comb-over it seems.

The groundskeeper never could find his rake...

Carlos Valderrama’s bleached ostrich torso. A cross between the Hair Bear and a multiple amputee Big Bird was how the assist machine rolled.

Like a rotten mushroom

Roberto Baggio’s multiple hairgasm. ‘Yeah can I order the curly mullet please, with some grey and a slight mohawk, served with a ponytail?’ ‘Certainly would you like a hint of dreadlocks with that?’ ‘Well, obviously’.

His hair is actually top of the food chain among small forest mammals

Ronaldo’s novel pube cut. If his hair was a lady’s fun-garden, you know what his face would be…

You know...

David James’ selection pack. It would be harder to find a haircut that wasn’t horrifying.

The gonorrhea, The secret afro, and The greasy superman

Fernando Torres’ kebab shop scally. I’ve seen a lot guys with hair like this in the Maidstone area in Kent.

The way you describe these people sounds a bit like Kent...

Sandro’s poor man’s Baggio. Without any of the weight that Roberto has, Sandro was forced to colour it in that traditional Tottenham colour.

'You sure it won't look stupid if I dye it?'

If you thought that selection of barnet fair was bad, you ain’t see nothing yet. Stay tuned for more Halloween Horrors…

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8 thoughts on “The Five Footballing Halloween Horrors #5: Hair

  1. Kate says:

    Truly horrifying! Thanks for the ideas for daughter number 1s costume this year I think she could do a mean secret afro!

  2. […] Don’t miss the other horrors: part #2, part #3, part #4 and part #5 […]

  3. […] before the medal ceremony got into full swing, and ended up looking like he was wearing was left of Bobby Charlton’s combover before Charlton finally gave in and retired […]

  4. […] with it. Check out this hilarious post made by fellow wordpresser about soccer players’ hair here. Some of the best of the best. From left to right: Carlos Valderrama, Roberto Baggio, (and one that […]

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