The Five Footballing Halloween Horrors #3: Dives

Part #1 here and #2 here and #4 here and #5 here

Continuing with the Halloween theme this time is one of the biggest bugbears of the game, the downright despicable discipline of diving. As a modern football fan,we have to accept that diving is a part of the game, and it will remain so until the punishments outweigh the benefits. But that doesn’t make these Tom Daley impressions any less horrifying.

Aurelien Chedjou vs Inter Milan, Champions League group stage 2011. This one begins how about 50% of dives are made; an arm or hand going near the air near a player’s face. Chedjou grabs his face as is standard procedure, but then something amazingly unlikely happens.

The Bullet Ant that Chedjou was keeping in his mouth clamps down on his cheek and he simultaneously gets shot in the eye. Seriously, I thought when he moved his hand I was going to vomit. Turns out this thespian is probably in the wrong profession, listen to that scream – I’m thinking war film extra?

Rivaldo vs Turkey, World Cup group stage 2002. The holy grail of dives. Many of us familiar with the Brazilian’s antics wish the ball had hit him in the face. This wasn’t too bad, the worst thing is that Hakan Unsal gets the red and Brazil eventually knock Turkey out. Actually, the worst thing is that Rivaldo went on to have an excellent World Cup. Actually, the worst thing is that he only got fined £5180, money he was going to use to stud his gold Rolex with diamonds.

Actually, this is horrible.

Bryan Carrasco vs Ecuador, U20 World Cup qualifier 2011. Watching youth football is exciting. Sure the moves aren’t perfectly worked out and the finishing is rough, but it’s fine. The performances are worse than what you expect from seniors basically. And that goes for all aspects of the game – apparently including diving.

That might even be a new type of foul there, forcibly making the opposition foul you and then diving. I take it back, the U20s are innovators!

Dider Drogba vs Jens Lehmann, Premier League 2007. Both these guys are a little bit crazy. Drogba is an exceptionally talented center forward with balance like Bambi on a glacier, and Lehmann could’ve been the new Khan was he not such a psychopath. So when someone challenged them to a ‘dive off’ the results were shockingly pathetic:

Crazy as a rhino made of Stella

Rodrigo Nunes de Sa vs Mirassol, Serie D. Let me lay some various knowledge on you here. Firstly, this is Brazillian fourth tier, so not the height of importance. Secondly, most players dive to gain an advantage; an opposition red card, free kick/penalty, or holding up play are all understandably desirable. I don’t condone diving on any level, but I do acknowledge the reasons for it.

Thirdly, Rodrigo Nunes de Sa is the referee.

What an earth kind of advantage is he trying to get by doing that? Maybe the Mirassol no.6 has a really bad virus and he is desperately trying to avoid the player’s ‘blow’ at him. Maybe he’s just a cock.

Keep your peepers peeled for more Halloween scares tomorrow!

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4 thoughts on “The Five Footballing Halloween Horrors #3: Dives

  1. […] miss the other horrors: part #2, part #3, part #4 and part […]

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