Well the season of facial fuzz is over. Many a Premier League sink was left looking like a Wookie has sat in it this morning as players across the country put away their ‘taches for another year. Lets look at who did well and… Anton Ferdinand.
Mark Lawrenson – MotD
Attempt: After the encouragement of the internet community, and some co-workers no doubt, Lawro had a bash at Movember. In his playing career, the man was known for sporting one hefty ‘tache, a proper Liverpudlian lip warmer. However, he left us all bitterly disappointed with his moustache sequel:
Result: They say everything droops when you get older; proven here by Lawro’s facial spillage. He ended up making MotD look like it was a Naval warfare antiques show. Of course this wasn’t helped by his partner in crime…
Gary Lineker – TV Land
Attempt: ‘We’ll show them all’ said Gary to his top lip, ‘Everyone thinks I’m just a plastic man, and embodiment of television’. His top lip nodded in agreement.
Result: His moustashe is the definition of television presenter facial hair. Looks like he faceplanted the condiment section of a dinner table – pepper on top, salt on bottom.
Jonathan Walters – Stoke
Attempt: Jon decided to ‘give it all that’ for the month of mo. I imagine he went out and bought some deluxe tools for his mouth garden, and then spent a good month practicing for when he owns a Bonsai tree.
Result: A fairly big success for the Potter’s center forward. At least it is a moustache (Lawrenson), and it could’ve been right up there with the best. Had it not been for one man’s handles making Walter’s looking like he had an accident with a child’s bike…
Sean Derry – QPR
Attempt: ‘Jon thinks those are handlebars? pshh’
Result: You know the giant furnaces full of molten metal at smelting plants? Their handles aren’t that big. He makes a Harley Davidson’s control mechanism look like the handle on a under-stairs cupboard. Well done Sean.
Grant Holt – Norwich
Attempt: Holt’s come under criticism and praise for his brand of ‘old school’ football this season. Many critics and back fours (Chelsea, Liverpool) have failed to show respect to Norfolk’s cult hero. One can only assume this drove him to toughen his image up with a nose-broom.
Result: In that photo he looks like Bobby Ball was left in a forest to fend for himself for a month, and was then shot in the back whilst jumping off a cliff. Holt generally looks like the sort of wild man you could stay in a forest with; chopping wood with his forearms, taking a bite out of a living deer, but now he looks like part of the woodland.
Anton Ferdinand – QPR
Attempt: Perhaps to take his mind off Terrygate 3: Revenge of the Terry, Anton decided to fluff his lips a bit. Obviously, being facial hair, there is very little connotations between a ‘tache and racism, unless…
Result: Oh god. Why have you done that? Surely you could have covered a greater portion of your top chop? Everyone knows; if you aren’t Charlie Chaplin and you don’t get at least 85% of the lip covered, you look a little bit too much like a certain racist Fuhrer…