Under the Tree of the Premier League Stars

A big part of football journalism is speculation. In a single week around this time of year you can hear that your star player is going to Russia, or your captain had a brawl with your center half in Yates, or even that your manager has two games left before he’s sacked. You get all of this information and it’s all poppycock. Well I think it’s time for some useful speculation.

Apparently these £100,000-a-week, Maserati driving, Cheshire mansion residing teenagers are role models to many of our population. And with about 90% of this population either crafting wishlists or pondering gift ideas right now, it might be interesting to take a look at some of the Premier Leagues star’s (and one cyclist’s) Christmas pressies.

Luis Suarez – Double present for El Pistolero this one. Firstly a copy of Skyrim, as he is going to have a lot of time on his hands over the coming weeks. Secondly, a pair of Earplugs for every away game he will ever attend again.

This, forever.

Stoke City – Pitch-side Hairdryers as it seems the Potters will go for anything to get that damn ball dry.

John Terry – Well where to begin with this joke-a-second opportunity? A better set of studs? A copy of To Kill a Mockingbird? I think in terms of practicality (surely the best attribute for a gift) a Quality Lawyer would be the best idea.

A Premier League Player I’m Not Allowed to Name – A Super Injunction Renewal.

Patrice Evra – I know a book for a footballer could seem as useful as a tin opener to Abu Hamza, but I just feel Patrice could get a bit of use out of thumbing This One.

Andre Villas-Boas – A Team Building Weekend because, although he is getting results, he sure isn’t making many friends.

Mario Balotelli – Well a T-Shirt Printing Set will surely put a smile on his face, but a Beano Subscription after that, as he must be running out of wacky hijinks.

Or maybe a giant hand...

Steve Keane – If the press are to be believed, a Trip to Jobseekers. If Venkys are to be believed however, a New Car.

Frank Lampard – Considering where Lamps seems to be spending his time currently, Matching Gloves and Scarf probably wouldn’t go a miss on the breezy bench at the Bridge.

Harry Redknapp – I’m sure ‘Arry will be plenties happy with a nice bit of turkey, but a look over This Website couldn’t hurt.

Olympic Cyclist Sir Chris Hoy – a Nametag, purely to keep the less observant and more abusive members of the Tottenham fanbase away from his Twitter.

And finally for us all, the coveted Christmas Number One this year should most certainly be ‘Ebony and Ivory’ – a duet by Sepp Blatter and Nelson Mandela.

Taken from seppblatterwithblackpeople.wordpress.com - really.

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