SUAREZ! HANDSHAKE! EVRA! RACISM! DISGRACE! JOHN TERRY!!

Man United v Liverpool was a pretty standard game. It played out as you’d expect; Rooney finished professionally, United conceded a cheap goal, Liverpool couldn’t capitalise on any other chances. it wasn’t too predictable, but fairly routine.

Its level of predictability was nothing compared to that of the pathetic, masturbatory, hypocritical, callous way in which Sky Sports and the personnel unfortunately involved conducted themselves.

Your journalism is to society as napalm is to flesh

What follows is a reasonably accurate account of the state of society we live in.

Before the Game

One of Those Weak Richard Keyes Replacements (Guy): So Manchester United Liverpool, a classic game. Welcome Gary and Jamie, is it a shame that a tie this great has been surrounded with so many unsavory issues?

Neville: Who even are you? Like, did you play football?

Redknapp: Yeah I think it is. We’ve got players like Rooney and Gerrard today and two of the biggest clubs in English football. What we want today, what we really need and what the game really needs is to have a good game of football. We want to be talking about the game afterwards not all the issues.

Guy: Quite right. We want to see the action on the pitch. Let’s hear from Sir Alex Ferguson.

Shreeves: Sir Alex, there are lots of things surrounding this game, is it just a case of keeping focused on the game?

Ferguson: Yer, I think it is. As I said aboot the last game, we just need to drop it and move on. We don’t need anything to stoke the fire any more.

Guy: “Drop it and move on” says Sir Alex Ferguson, will that be the message in the dressing room Gary?

Neville: I don’t like Liverpool. Everyone just needs to focus on the football.

Guy: Let’s keep the action on the football. It’s Man United Liverpool next, on Sky Sports.

Half Time

Guy: Well plenty of incidents in that half, what’s your reactions on Luis Suarez refusing to shake Patrice Evra’s hand?

Neville: So what? I don’t like Liverpool, these are all parts of the game, of the passion. I think Valencia has bee–

Guy: We can go to Geoff Shreeves now to hear some drama.

Shreeves: Here’s some words that you want to hear: Evra. Suarez. Confrontation. Police.

Guy: Confrontation. Suarez. Evra. Police. Moving away from these issues, who’s had the best chanc–

Redknapp: It’s what happens. Look, presenter man, if you meet someone on the street you don’t like, you aren’t gonna shake his hand are you? If Suarez doesn’t want to shake his hand that’s his choice.

Guy: Okay guys, let’s look at some footage of Suarez, despite Johnson, Valencia, and Rooney being the most influential players on the first half.

Full Time

Guy: Well what an action packed game we’ve had here. Did the handshake set the tone for the game?

Neville: United won. I won. I have become stronger.

Redknapp: Yeah it did. I think Suarez should’ve shaken Patrice Evra’s hand. But Rooney today was absolutely–

Guy: We have some slow motion footage of the handshake from two different angles, let’s analyse it.

Neville: I like confrontation. I like Man United.

Redknapp: The two players didn’t shake hands. No one should have shaken hands so we could avoid this travesty.

Guy: Let’s hear from Sir Alex Ferguson again with Geoff Shreeves.

Shreeves: Sir Alex, what did you make of Luis Suarez’s refusal to shake Evra’s hand at the beginning of the game?

Ferguson: Why don’t I answer in a series of headlines for the overly sensationalistic press to use?

Shreeves: Wouldn’t that undermine your programme notes and the statements you gave to the press before this and the last game you played against Liverpool?

Ferguson: Nah, we haven’t goot to play them for a while now. Here you go: ‘Suarez is a disgrace’, ‘Liverpool should sell Suarez’, and the word ‘Terrible’.

Guy: Well that about wraps it up here today, we wanted a football game but unfortunately you can’t escape the drama around Luis Suarez. My Thanks to Gary and Jamie on what was a … great? Was it great? I didn’t really see it…

Fletcher: Was I even on this show?

It’s a sad sad world we live in.

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6 thoughts on “SUAREZ! HANDSHAKE! EVRA! RACISM! DISGRACE! JOHN TERRY!!

  1. AnonW says:

    Well at least the match was played, not like the rugby in Paris. But that was probably those cheapskate frogs, who knowing that it’s always fine in Paris, left the undersoil heating out to save money. Even the Welsh put a roof on Cardiff.

    I did hear that Wembley is free next Sunday and they’ve made an offer to the French to let them come over on Eurostar, I think they might be amenable to let them use the stadium,

  2. tombythetrent says:

    THIS IS GENIUS!

  3. Tom says:

    Ha – shit blog.

    Here’s a headline for you:

    Angry Liverpool fans miss the point. Again.

    Suarez was found guilty of racist abuse towards Evra, Liverpool backed him (no other club would do that), Suarez refuses to shake hands with the man he abuses, liverpool back him again.

    The abuse itself, the t-shirts, the blind loyalty, the unwillingness to accept responsibilty for your own actions, the apportioning blame on to others and the conduct of kenny dalglish have taken Liverpool from being the most likeable of the top clubs in the country to the least likeable of all the clubs in the country.

    You can argue with me on that, but it’s true. No-one likes you lot anymore. I don’t care, I have no vested interest in liverpool fc not becoming the pantomime villains of the premiership, I’m a fulham fan, but I imagine that you do care.

    • Tinfoilman says:

      I don’t wish to argue as you make some very valid points and sum up what many football fans feel towards Liverpool and Suarez.

      However, villainy is just a construct of the press and I think Liverpool have a way to go to overtake Chelsea, who actually have a player under racism charges with actual evidence.

      But all of this misses the point, I, like everybody else, would have preferred to see a a handshake, but it didn’t happen. The point of this piece was to show how hypocritical Sky Sports were about the sensationalist press.

      I’m not all that sweet on Liverpool you know: http://postandin.wordpress.com/2012/02/06/infographic-why-liverpool-cant-score/

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