So once again we find ourselves at the tail-end of a moustache month. Last year saw some good efforts so let’s see how this year fared…
Michael Owen – Stoke City
Attempt: Little mickey is forever remembered at that plucky teenager turning Argentinian defenders inside-out, but the truth is the guy’s 32 years old. With morons using affectionate terms like ‘little mickey’ now getting old, it was time for him to man up. In fact he decided to man up beyond the top lip…
Result: What did he feed that thing, tequila? Michael looks like he’d crop up with a thick Salvadoran accent and a six-shooter pointed at Clint Eastwood. If he planted the shavings he’d grow six foot cacti. Gold star bandito!
Attempt: I don’t know if it comes under strict orders from Pulis or whether it’s a 70s throwback, but the Potters are always game when it comes to mining for mo’s.
Result: The forest of the giants. It’s actually hard to see through their starting eleven. Last game there was a small collection of deer among the forestry. When they line up at the beginning of a game they create a super-mo that can be seen from orbit.
With Owen, Walters, Huth and many more among their ranks, they are without doubt the most ‘tached team. If one of them got injured without any remaining substitutions they could actually make a new target-man called Mo just using their clippings.
Attempt: Leon is usually a pretty clean-cut guy, but his consistent play saw him get a call-up to the England team, and what better way to celebrate than warming the lip?
Result: Look at him up there. Just casually discussing to the mainstream press that they will not fully understand his latest avant-garde French romance whilst dragging on a cigarette. ‘Love in Montpellier is not for you. It is for the people who ask why to the question why’.
Michael Bridges – Newcastle United Jets
Attempt: You know the problem with a moustache? There isn’t one. But do you know the gripe with one? They don’t match your outfit. How many teams play in a grainy brownish-black? Former Leeds man Bridges wasn’t having any of it…
Result: Okay, Pepsi have taken sponsorship too far. He must be batting away mascot offers from Palace and Barca. It looks like a patriotic motorbike hit his face handlebars first and left some paint. He actually has a two ‘taches side by side, one for angry Michael and one for sad Michael. He can provide a psychedelic trip just by putting some 3D glasses on you and letting you wink each eye.
He clearly had no idea which way to vote in the American elections, and he wins Movember.