Monthly Archives: November 2012

Movember’s End: Mexicana, Potters, and a Colourful One

So once again we find ourselves at the tail-end of a moustache month. Last year saw some good efforts so let’s see how this year fared…

Michael Owen – Stoke City

Attempt: Little mickey is forever remembered at that plucky teenager turning Argentinian defenders inside-out, but the truth is the guy’s 32 years old. With morons using affectionate terms like ‘little mickey’ now getting old, it was time for him to man up. In fact he decided to man up beyond the top lip…

Result: What did he feed that thing, tequila? Michael looks like he’d crop up with a thick Salvadoran accent and a six-shooter pointed at Clint Eastwood. If he planted the shavings he’d grow six foot cacti. Gold star bandito!

Stoke City

Attempt: I don’t know if it comes under strict orders from Pulis or whether it’s a 70s throwback, but the Potters are always game when it comes to mining for mo’s.

Result: The forest of the giants. It’s actually hard to see through their starting eleven. Last game there was a small collection of deer among the forestry. When they line up at the beginning of a game they create a super-mo that can be seen from orbit.

With Owen, Walters, Huth and many more among their ranks, they are without doubt the most ‘tached team. If one of them got injured without any remaining substitutions they could actually make a new target-man called Mo just using their clippings.

Leon Osman

Attempt: Leon is usually a pretty clean-cut guy, but his consistent play saw him get a call-up to the England team, and what better way to celebrate than warming the lip?

Result: Look at him up there. Just casually discussing to the mainstream press that they will not fully understand his latest avant-garde French romance whilst dragging on a cigarette. ‘Love in Montpellier is not for you. It is for the people who ask why to the question why’.

Michael Bridges – Newcastle United Jets

Attempt: You know the problem with a moustache? There isn’t one. But do you know the gripe with one? They don’t match your outfit. How many teams play in a grainy brownish-black? Former Leeds man Bridges wasn’t having any of it…

Result: Okay, Pepsi have taken sponsorship too far. He must be batting away mascot offers from Palace and Barca. It looks like a patriotic motorbike hit his face handlebars first and left some paint. He actually has a two ‘taches side by side, one for angry Michael and one for sad Michael. He can provide a psychedelic trip just by putting some 3D glasses on you and letting you wink each eye.

He clearly had no idea which way to vote in the American elections, and he wins Movember.

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Hughes Canned: Some Reactions

They are dropping like flies. Seems if you’re a Premier League manager of anyone but United or Arsenal then you have to buy your christmas presents before november. Mere hours after Di Matteo was on the wrong end of a firing, Mark Hughes found himself out on his ear.

Of course no one was coloured surprised. Sparky and QPR had a grand total of four points thus far, with only one on the road, and none coming from wins. This may have been more understandable had the R’s not bought an entire new squad – which were performing with all the cohesion of a house of cards in a washing machine.

Let’s hear how it’s gone down…

Mark Hughes

Well now how has this happened? I literally signed anyone I could get. If they sounded like they were better than what I had then I snapped them up, it didn’t matter if they actually were – it’s called progress.

Heidar Helguson, our top scorer last season? Who needs him when you can have Bobby Zamora fluffing sitters or Djibril Cisse getting sent off. Why have Joey Barton getting sent of when I can have Samba Diakite getting sent off? And who would’ve thought that replacing players’ player of the season and fans’ player of the season Paddy Kenny, with the confident Robert Green would fail me?

I can’t believe that team players such as Cisse and Taarabt aren’t gelling with other selfless players like Junior Hoilett and Esteban Granero. I’m living in a mad world.

Tony Fernandes

Oh dearrr. I’ve tried not to be like the others. When we meet at the annual peasant hunt the others sit around the money pool talking about their sackings. I vowed not to be like that with Sparky. I publicly backed him whilst throwing money at him and he gave me no choice but to fire him.

I was sure I’d chosen the right guy to be cautious with our millions. I mean look at the quality signed at City; Robinho, Wayne Bridge, Gareth Barry, Roque Santa Cruz, Tal Ben Haim, Jo… You can see how wise the signings were by how many of them are still there now… … shit.

Get me a AirAsia flight to Sandbanks.

Queens Park Rangers Fans

Oh Neil Warnock you dusty old crab why did we forsake you? Now we’re looking for our seventh manager in four years, we have a hard enough time keeping up with our starting XI! I know we have to face facts that we aren’t a top team but I enjoyed our relegation battle last season with players that I actually liked more.

The only thing I can think to do is hold up a banner asking for ‘Arry’s magic touch to arrive and hope that they feature it on Match of the Day which he hopefully will be on…

Neil Warnock

I could bend your ear off talking about the injustices here. I get them promoted, keep them up, then get fired for being in 17th – Hughes gets millions to spend and is allowed to reside at the bottom of the table for weeks on end. He got all the finance that I earned and blew it. He let Adel Taarabt ruin the team, whereas I had him win Championship player of the season. He basically fired the team I created and made a new, worse one. I tell you I could talk all day about this but I won’t. He got Joey Barton who is a perfectly serviceable player…

Harry Redknapp

QPR aye? Hmm I was rather looking forward to taking the Ukraine job. No idea how I was gonna commute there from Sandbanks mind. I guess I could go for another crack at the Premier League. Where are QPR? Let’s see… rock bottom. Triffic. Better check the electric windows in the Merc, I’m gonna be giving a lot of interviews.

Reasonable People

Unfortunately we don’t really have anything sarcastic to say. They pretty much gave Hughes as much time as they could, else they’d be relegated at christmas. So let’s give him some credit for… something. Park Ji-Sung for a few million isn’t bad I guess.

The QPR Dressing Room

Derry: Well there goes another one lads

Taarabt: You’re still here Shaun?

Derry: Yeah apparently I’m the vice-captain. Sigh. We’ve hit a real dark patch here guys.

Ferdinand: What did you call me?

Mackie: Calm down guys, we don’t have a manager at the minute, we’re gonna have to figure out things like penalty taker ourselves…

Taarabt, Cisse, Granero, Fabio, Hoilett, Faurlin: I’ll take them!

Dyer: I wouldn’t mind taking one…

All: Who the hell are you?

The breeze strikes again

Post or Worse

Well it was coming wasn’t it. I’ve never rated Hughes at all, he thinks you can just point the money gun at anything that moves and it’ll be fine. What he doesn’t realise is that the teams that do that (Real Madrid for example) have excellent managers that blend their signings well and balance the big egos. As for Redknapp coming in, they might as well start calling him Harry Buoy – his mission is to always stay afloat.

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Di Matteo Canned: Some Reactions

To the shock and amazement of everyone, Chelsea have sacked their manager. As regular as the boxing day fixtures, the blues are now looking for their ninth manager in nine years.

If anything, taking the job is like an investment; sign for a few years, buy some expensive players, rely on Mourinho’s anyway, get sacked in under a year, get huge payout and sympathy.

Let’s hear some reactions from around the footballsphere…

Roberto di Matteo

Are you freaking serious? I won you the Champions League! With Torres! You should be making me the lord of Kensington and Chelsea, my seat in the dugout should be solid gold! We’re third in the table and can still qualify the from the CL group for god’s sake! Are you actually mental?

Roman Abramovich

Chelsea Fans 

This is getting ridiculous now. Our club is run by the modern-day Henry VIII, the dust just begins to settle and bam! another head goes rolling. It was nice having a manager that meant something more to the club that being a successful foreigner, and the trophies, oh the trophies that have allowed me to justify our ludicrous spending to all my friends. Everyone will be on my case again now, ‘too much money and no sense’ they’ll all sa- Pep Guardiola you say? Sweeet.

Jose Mourinho

Well duh, that isn’t my midfield.

Rafa Benitez

Hello? Abu Dhabi Travelodge front desk? Yeah, Rafa. The Spanish guy. No, not Nadal. No, not the fat one! Well yeah I am… larger than him but that isn’t the point. Get me a plane to London.

Reasonable People

Chelsea will beat Nordsjaelland, they will then only need Shakhtar to beat Juventus in Donetsk. Shakhtar very rarely lose at home and Juventus only managed a draw with them in Italy so it will be a very close game. Obviously you don’t want your fate in someone else’s hands but it’s not inconceivable that Chelsea will go through. Anyone? Can anyone hear me?

The Chelsea Dressing Room

Terry: Wow, I actually liked this one.

Cole: Yeah, hadn’t even started plans to get him sacked yet, you gonna go for it John?

Terry: I was but it might be fun to toy with Benitez a bit before I take charge.

Cole: That would be fun. Feel sorry for Oscar though, he’s had his head in his hands for hours now.

Terry: Oh don’t worry, he’s just practicing for the next game.

Post or Worse

Kerching

All thanks to Mark Hughes’ silver tongue

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