Monthly Archives: December 2012

Under the Tree of the Premier League Stars 2012

One more sleep guys! All the good boys of the Premier League will be wrapped up tight under their Egyptian blankets on their mattresses of money tonight waiting for santa to give them more chrome plated Aston Martins and Super Injunctions. Well, except Balotelli, he’ll probably be waiting in his camouflage onesie with fireworks pointing at the fireplace.

Let’s see what they’re after:

Gareth Bale– The Welsh chimpanzee impressionist will obviously be asking for new studs that aren’t made of velvet, but also for a piece of celebrity memorabilia – Christiano Ronaldo’s dummy. After years of sucking on it Ronny was able to get over being such a big baby, let’s hope Bale can do the same.

Sir Alex Ferguson– Alongside a nice bottle of red, SAF will be after some wrapping supplies. Not for his presents, DHL handle that, but to put van Persie in. Around 20 meters of bubblewrap, a tag, and some sellotape should do it. That way, if some brute kicks a ball at him during a game of football (of all things) he might survive with minor bleeding and fractures.

How it looked from the touchline

How it looked from the touchline

Marouane Fellaini– Well apart from a new hot air balloon to keep his hair in while he showers, an anger management course and an apology card to Ryan Shawcross would be useful.

Mark Lawrenson– A fountain of eternal youth, a lovely fry-up, a hairdresser, Hansen tied to a post, hell, some puppies and a handgun – just anything that will cheer the grumpiest man in the entire footballing world up before he turns us to stone.

Arsene Wenger– Press recordings and the Arsenal DVD from the 2003-04 season. That way, whenever Arsenal are sitting forth in the table and are further through the Champions League than City or Chelsea, Arsene can play them to hear some fans actually supporting their club.

Liverpool– Slow motion cameras and some video editing software. Because when it comes time to sell Stuart Downing, it’s going to take all the tricks of Zack Snyder to stretch his ‘achievements and abilities’ video beyond 30 seconds.

Fernando Torres– Well what else can Chelsea get him? Redesign entire team around him, check. Boot current world class striker out despite him carrying you to several trophies, check. Buy previous manger he’s produced under and sack second most successful manager and club legend, check. Obviously they’re gonna sign his 10 school team mates and redecorate his bedroom just like he had it when he was 8.

Mario Balotelli

Have they figured out a way to buy common sense yet?

Harry Redknapp– A christmas miracle of course! And Jermaine Defoe.

Chris Houghton– Some green and yellow hair dye and a mirror. The Norfolk faithful are never going to truly love him while he still has his Newcastle United official haircut…

Image from

Clearly his left lobe processes Norwich’s defending

And finally, this year’s christmas number two (after the Justice Collective) should be Roberto Di Matteo’s cover of ‘Hello, Goodbye’.

Merry Christmas.



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Proof the World is Going to End

As you are probably aware, this is your last day in life as the end cometh tomorrow. But what evidence do you have for this? What divine sign do you, the football fan, have? How about Giovinco’s goal:

Pretty standard stuff aye? That Juventus goal was scored eight days ago on the 12th. Of the 12th…of the 12th. Meh.

Yeah Giovinco scored on 12/12/12, during Juve’s 12th home game of the season, so what? Well coincidentally it was his 12th goal for the club. It was a fairly early goal in the second half, coming in the…hmm…12th minute. Well that’s a bit strange, lots of coincidents really, he probably wears the number 17 or something…

That was their 12th hug

That was their 12th hug

See you in hell!


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Legend: Single Fan Makes Up Udinese Away Support

A couple-o-days ago Italian team Udinese went to play Sampdoria in a mid-table clash. For such a big team you would expect Udinese to have some pretty decent support, and they did in the form of one die hard fan.

"Who are ya?" "My name's Arrigo"

“Who are ya? Who are ya?” “My name’s Arrigo”

That lone figure of undying club love is Arrigo Brovedani a wine merchant, and his surname begins with ‘Bro’ because he will always have your back. He was on business in Genoa (Sampdoria’s domain) and thought he’d hook himself up with a ticket to watch his beloved black and whites.

So after the ordeal of ordering a ‘fan passport’, writing to Sampdoria because he couldn’t get it in time, and making the solo trek to the Stadio Luigi Ferraris, Arrigo arrived to find himself the entirety of the away support.

What would you do? As he entered the stadium he was welcomed with thousands of booing fans, he had all the support of that one middle-aged guy in every nightclub dancing by himself.

Did he leave? Did he sit quietly in one of the stadium’s bars or in a back seat? You bet your Pinot Grigio he didn’t (I don’t know any Italian wines). “I made the journey to Genoa, arrived at the stadium and only then did I realise I was the only Udinese fan there! At that point the stewards asked if I wanted to sit in the main stand, but I insisted on going into the away end, seeing as I had paid for that ticket.”

"Did you all come in a taxi?" "Yeah, actually"

“Did you all come in a taxi?” “Yeah, actually”

Yeah, with all the mob-mentality of a freaking asteroid Arrigo whipped out the flag he carried everywhere with him and began chanting ‘Forza Udinese’.

Throughout the game he supported his club and everyone loved it. When Udinese took the lead the home support applauded Arrigo. The stewards bought him some coffee to stay warm. Legendary Striker Antonio di Natale invited him down while they warmed up, and then acknowledged him when he scored, that has to be the only time a goal scorer has thanked all the supporters. (1:10)

And yeah, that’s right. The Zebrette won the game, Arrigo won. After the game he became a mini celebrity; Sampdoria gave him a shirt, the locals chanted wishing him a merry christmas, and a group invited him out for drink afterwards. Udinese dedicated the victory to him and gave him a ticket to the next game in the director’s box.

So next time you’re having a crisis of faith remember this man, Arrigo Brovedani – the patron saint of fans.


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