Under the Tree of the Premier League Stars 2012

One more sleep guys! All the good boys of the Premier League will be wrapped up tight under their Egyptian blankets on their mattresses of money tonight waiting for santa to give them more chrome plated Aston Martins and Super Injunctions. Well, except Balotelli, he’ll probably be waiting in his camouflage onesie with fireworks pointing at the fireplace.

Let’s see what they’re after:

Gareth Bale– The Welsh chimpanzee impressionist will obviously be asking for new studs that aren’t made of velvet, but also for a piece of celebrity memorabilia – Christiano Ronaldo’s dummy. After years of sucking on it Ronny was able to get over being such a big baby, let’s hope Bale can do the same.

Sir Alex Ferguson– Alongside a nice bottle of red, SAF will be after some wrapping supplies. Not for his presents, DHL handle that, but to put van Persie in. Around 20 meters of bubblewrap, a tag, and some sellotape should do it. That way, if some brute kicks a ball at him during a game of football (of all things) he might survive with minor bleeding and fractures.

How it looked from the touchline

How it looked from the touchline

Marouane Fellaini– Well apart from a new hot air balloon to keep his hair in while he showers, an anger management course and an apology card to Ryan Shawcross would be useful.

Mark Lawrenson– A fountain of eternal youth, a lovely fry-up, a hairdresser, Hansen tied to a post, hell, some puppies and a handgun – just anything that will cheer the grumpiest man in the entire footballing world up before he turns us to stone.

Arsene Wenger– Press recordings and the Arsenal DVD from the 2003-04 season. That way, whenever Arsenal are sitting forth in the table and are further through the Champions League than City or Chelsea, Arsene can play them to hear some fans actually supporting their club.

Liverpool– Slow motion cameras and some video editing software. Because when it comes time to sell Stuart Downing, it’s going to take all the tricks of Zack Snyder to stretch his ‘achievements and abilities’ video beyond 30 seconds.

Fernando Torres– Well what else can Chelsea get him? Redesign entire team around him, check. Boot current world class striker out despite him carrying you to several trophies, check. Buy previous manger he’s produced under and sack second most successful manager and club legend, check. Obviously they’re gonna sign his 10 school team mates and redecorate his bedroom just like he had it when he was 8.

Mario Balotelli

Have they figured out a way to buy common sense yet?

Harry Redknapp– A christmas miracle of course! And Jermaine Defoe.

Chris Houghton– Some green and yellow hair dye and a mirror. The Norfolk faithful are never going to truly love him while he still has his Newcastle United official haircut…

Image from thespoiler.co.uk

Clearly his left lobe processes Norwich’s defending

And finally, this year’s christmas number two (after the Justice Collective) should be Roberto Di Matteo’s cover of ‘Hello, Goodbye’.

Merry Christmas.



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