The 12 Labours of Zlatancules

As soon as Ibrahimovic received the coveted Post or Worse Goal of the Year award (PoWGotY), life would’ve been uncomfortable. A man like Zlatan would constantly need a challenge, or challenger, to keep him kung-fu kicking his way through life. Well fortunately a French cyber-squatter has put 12 in his path.

Fans of popular Greek literature may remember a certain muscular chap called Hercules completing 12 labours because old stories were simple and effective. Well a mysterious cyber-squatter (someone who takes a domain name that a person or organisation might want) has made his own version of that.

Ibra's impression of Atlas

Ibra’s impression of Atlas

Bagging himself the domain after the big Swede moved to PSG, he has proposed 12 challenges, of which Zlatan only has to complete one, to own the address himself. These things can be pretty pricey and lawyery to sort out so read ahead to see what Zlatan will pick…

– Offer me a dedicated PSG jersey, with my name on it and the following quote: “After Zlatan, you really are the best !”

– Stay at my place for a month. This way, all my life, I could say: ”Ibra? Sure, he used to sleep on my couch for a while.”

– Offer me 3 lifetime season tickets, for two of my friends and I. Obviously, I’m talking about Official tribune tickets… don’t try to fool me with your crappy H Blue tribune tickets…

– Win penalty kicks against me, at the Parc des Princes of course, so that you’re at home and have no excuse in case I win.

– Beat me at Taekwondo. I’ve heard you’re not too bad at it. As I’ve never practiced that sport myself, I recommend you to choose this challenge.

– Give me one of your hair lock as a gift. Samson’s strength came from his long hair. I think it works the same way with you. Then, I can make a key ring with it, which will bring me power for the rest of my life.

– Beat me at FIFA13. You can choose the teams but, anyway trust me, there is no way you can make it.

– Score a more-than-30-meter-backflip-goal in an official game. Just kidding… this is not realistic.

– Let me slap you in the face, without saying a word… and in public obviously.

– Offer a bare-chested dedicated photo of you to my girlfriend. Frankly, among all of those challenges, I have to confess it’s not my favorite. I’m getting fed up to see twinkles in her eyes when you take off your jersey at the end of a game.

– Manage to have Neymar sign at PSG during the 2013 summer mercato.

– Simply ask me to let you have this domain name for free… but face to face and – as a tribute to Guillaume – in French obviously.

I can’t imagine the amount of gore present should the Taekwondo or ‘Public Slap’ challenges come to pass. The only thing that guy is gonna be squatting on is a hospital toilet.

Head to for the full below-averagely translated gauntlet.

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One thought on “The 12 Labours of Zlatancules

  1. […] Suarez for wriggling round like an earthworm on heroin, carrying an entire team around? Shut up. Zlatan Ibrahimovic for pulling Joe Harts pants down with his Kung-fu? A little bit, but no. Didier Drogba for being a […]

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