Monthly Archives: April 2013

The Problem with the FA: Defoe Yellow, Suarez 10 Games

Suarez’s very best Dracula impression has earned him a big 10 from the FA’s judges of flesh feasting. Yes, it was deemed such a clean bite, one in which he really showed desire, that he gets to relax for the next ten games.

Image from

Now, I’m not saying that’s wrong; ten big ones seems a lot, but this was a malevolent challenge that has no place in the game. Perhaps a smaller ban for a player with no track record of misdemeanors, but Suarez has had to be punished before. Just as in law, those that don’t learn from their punishments should be punished harder.

No, my disappointment with this news all stems from possibly the most ridiculous rule in football – That if a referee sees an incident, whatever action he takes stands. But if he doesn’t, then a load of suits who pick up six figure salaries for deciding which shade of white England’s fans will get charged for decide the course of action.

The reason FIFA set this rule in place is so the FA (the suits) don’t undermine the referee by altering their decisions. There’s one problem with that though, it isn’t undermining to correct someone who is wrong. If anything, by backing up decisions like no punishment for Sergio Aguero’s tackle on David Luiz, they are undermining the very game.

'Yeah we've had a look, and can see no rules broken here'

‘Yeah we’ve had a look, and can see no rules broken here’

Every season this ridiculous rule leads to loads of dreadful tackles or general assaults going unpunished because the man in black was trying to keep up with a frantic game and, understandably, missed something, so gave a cautionary yellow – thus denying the FA retrospective action. Likewise, events the referee’s eyes miss completely are subject to the full wrath of the FA.

Case in point the Suarez bite…

…is a 10 game ban, given by people who weren’t at the game, because the referee didn’t see it, and didn’t take any action.

but the long forgotten Jermain Defoe bite…

…a yellow card given by a referee standing over the incident, with no follow-up punishment.

This all then leads into the media circus of how we perceive these players. Right now Suarez is the top of everyone’s hate list; many think Liverpool should sell him, David Cameron said the FA needed to come down hard on him, and the internet is mocking him profusely with a mix of fun and anger.

Suarez said he didn’t think he deserved more than the regulatory red card three match ban. This caused more anger among people, who got the sense that he was trying to ‘get away with it’. Everything he says or said is criticised to the highest degree. So imagine what it would’ve have been like if he re-used Defoe’s ‘excuse’ after his bite: “When the West Ham player fouled me, I reacted in a bit of a mischievous way – my character is a little like that at times.

Oh that’s okay Jermain you lovable scamp, at least you didn’t pull arteries out with your razor-filed fangs like the appalling Luis Suarez. Let’s be glad that the referee didn’t give him a yellow like you! Sure, it would’ve been his second and his equaliser wouldn’t have cost Chelsea two points, but then the FA wouldn’t have been able to teach him a lesson – and that’s more important than the game!

Tagged , , , , , ,

Evra’s Fake Arm, Suajaws, and Four Other Suarez Bite Memes

Luis Suarez bit Branislav Ivanovic’s arm on Sunday. Didn’t you know? Fair enough, it did fall under the radar a bit. It’s not being treated like a war crime with the Prime Minister commenting on it or anything…

Everyone’s talking match bans, expulsion from the Premier League, even a police charge. But we all the know the best punishment is to be universally mocked on the internetz. So have a gander at some of the best pics from ‘bitegate’.

Standard Motto

Image from

The Blues’ Range of Protective Gear

Image from Twitter/@juanmata10fans

Duuuudu Duuuudu…

Image from

The Special Relationship between Manager and Player

Image from Soccermemes

Evra Shows His Classy Side

Image from

And from Yesterday’s Match Review, Stephen Ong’s Rendering of the Horror

More Madness here: Stephen Ong

Tagged , , , , ,

Liverpool 2-2 Chelsea: A Meaty Game

Sunday’s clash had a number of factors pumping it up: Rafa’s first return to Anfield, another chance for Torres to show Liverpool why he moved, Hillsborough’s memorial, and both teams needing three points for their respective European hopes.

The result? A bit of a bloodbath with elbows, arguments, reckless tackles, and other incidents providing Sky Sports something to foam at the mouth about.

Tactically, Liverpool set up differently than their regular home 4-3-3. The regular midfield three was replaced by a holding two consisting of Gerrard and Lucas, and a front- What? Yeah yeah, I saw the bite. Yeah I’ll get to it….Jeez
-a front three of widemen Coutinho and Downing (who were seemingly in a  desperate battle to see who could be least effective in the first half), with Jordan Henderson in the center behind Luis Suarez.

Chelsea meanwhile were nothing special but nothing bad either. Their defence was solid and they took their few chances well, with Oscar and Hazard capitalising from set pieces. Mata was like clockwork and David Luiz was typically Luizy, winning the ball well here, then making a stupid mistake there. Chelsea’s only under-performing player was one Fernando Torres, who had about as much impact on the game as a pigeon. His touch, and ability to win the ball were sorely lacking as Carragher (who got an arm in the face from Nando for his good work) marked him out of the game.

You can take it off now. Everyone has realised it's you

You can take it off now. Everyone has realised it’s you

Liverpool’s poor first half was remedied with a few changes; Henderson is improving as a player but he is not the man to play off the striker. Liverpool already have a golden one of those players in Stevie G, and this tactical swap correlated with Liverpool’s second half dominance. That aforementioned dominance was inspired by halftime sub Daniel Stur- Hey, are you listening?
-Sturridge, who came on and did more than any Liverpool player had done in 30 seconds. Sturridge’s footwork and crossing was- hey stop looking over there!

Right that’s it.

The whole time we’ve been at this metaphorical pub I’ve been pulling out some great footy chat and you’ve been ignoring me. You’re not even looking at me, sure you glance at the picture and caption, but you’re not interested in me. You’ve got your eyes fixed on the pretty girl at the bar chewing on her arm.

Well you know what mate? Fine. You go and look at her and her unusual violence. It’s a shame no one wants to hear about the football anymore but I guess that’s the way it is for you neanderthals. No, in fact I’ll go and call her over, then you can ogle her without moving, wait here you complete let-down…

Image from the sensationalistic Stephen Ong

Image from the sensationalistic Stephen Ong

There, are you happy? You sick bastard. Look at him! No, don’t you dare turn away. Look at the horror you have wished upon yourself. He’s eating the man’s arm and no amount of tactical analysis will ever change that fact.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m a broken man. I couldn’t even tell you if Jonjo Shelvey was brought on in a  free role or on the left of midfield. All I can see is the bite. A thousand slow-motion replays of gnashing jaws tearing through flesh. What have you done to us modern sports media?! Oh the humanity!


Tagged , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: