To the surprise of absolutely no one, the eyebrow-less wonder David Moyes has replaced SAF as manager of some club called Manchester United.
It was even less of a surprise, seeing as United’s Facebook page accidentally unveiled the news half an hour early. Then again, last time United announced a manager they didn’t even have the internet in Manchester.
It seems like Fergie was grooming Moyes to take the role as the Barack Obama of football for a few seasons and it’ll be very interesting to watch him work. For many a season at Everton, the Scot didn’t have the money to buy a pot to piss in, and now he won’t be able to find his piss-pot under the mighty enormous stacks of gold. But this wonder-job comes with more challenges that replacing the blue ties with red ones…
Challenge #1: Current Problems
Representing the same values as Sir Alex (youth cultivation, British talent, wearing underpants with a Scottish flag on) will only get David so far. This isn’t the greatest Man United team, and although they dominated the League title, there are more weaknesses than the Reds are used to.
Some legs are very young (Powell, Buttner, Zaha), some are very old (Giggs, Scholes, Ferdinand), some might as well be broken (Valencia, Young, Cleverly), and some are overweight (Anderson).
Add these weaknesses and question marks to the breaking news that Wayne ‘Every Day I Love You Less And Less’ Rooney wants to move banks to mainland Europe, and Moyes will need plenty of man management nous to steer United.
Challenge #2: The Transfer Market
After he waves a United scarf around and begins to iron out Ferguson’s bum crease in the manager’s chair, Moyes will sit down to have a look in the coffers. It’ll go down something like this:
Moyes: Let’s see here…how to login…ah there it is
Computer: Enter Username and Password. These can be located in your welcoming package.
Moyes: Welcoming package…right, got that…username is…Moyes1, good. Password, password…ah here it is…SAF4eva? That bastard…
Computer: Login Successful.
Moyes: Right let’s see here…wow this wee thing’s got everything. Injury lists, formation sets, diet plans with a separate tab for Anderson, training regimes, how many minutes of added time we have for the season… Didn’tnee have a computer at Goodison, had to make do with Steven Pienaar’s iPhone…
Computer: ‘Transfer Funds’ selected.
Moyes: So..gate income, merchandise income, wage bill of a small South American army, and a grand spending total of…£5 million…that’s not so bad. I can ship Leon Osman over for that.
Computer: Ahem…that’s £50 million.
Moyes: I cannae believe it! Now I can get Phil Neville as well!
Bottom line is, David Moyes has never seen that much money. What will he do with it all? No one knows…
Challenge #3: Personal Achievement
So Moyes slots in like a shaved baboon at a Millwall game and everything goes swimmingly – he replaces Rooney with a no-brainer in Falcao, and brings in an ex-Evertonian like Baines. United win the title again.
Lots of respect pours in for the Glaswegian, but he’s not the only one.
The young players that improve themselves become Man U’s stars this season; de Gea, Rafael, Jones, and the old solid backbone of Vidic-Carrick-RVP is immense. More-so, the future is bright, with a plenty of youth and depth to the team.
And all of it is down the Ferguson.
People will say Moyes’ success is down to Ferguson’s team and future team, and it’ll be a few years until that isn’t true. Moyes will just have to put up with it.